a twitter thread commentating the queen of england's funeral. start of thread. tweets from . page created

put the dead queen thing on in the background just in case anyone makes a wild lunge at anything

ideally something totally unexpected and unrelated to the queen. if any of these international VIPs have anything they’d like to work out now would be the funniest possible time

stupid flag car

‘he will be processing on foot’ a great piece of cop phrasing from Huw there. the regal gentleman was processing himself in the direction of the unfortunately deceased female queen gentleman

I think we should let people in this country wear a normal hat even one time

Find the muffled Big Ben noise hysterically funny. Just interrupting with a single DONK every so often

Some good drill, which is weird because I wasn’t expecting that

Fucked up to make a little kid wear a full suit. An act of sartorial noncing

Quote Tweet: I think we should let people in this country wear a normal hat even one time

MY BRAIN: coffin flop coffin flop coffin flop coffin flop

I think we should let the troops walk normal

For something this organised there’s a lot of bullshit waiting around

The bagpipes here to commemorate Her Majesty the Queen’s long service in the NYPD

Andrew fully crying and shitting

Just feels hugely ridiculous and insulting still to be doing all this for one woman, even if she was a highly decorated New York City detective

this is a great moment to be an RN rating with a ponyplay kink

they keep showing me the hat on a cushion like it is supposed to mean something to me

in the last analysis this is an extremely choreographed robbery, of everyone from whoever they snatched those jewels from to anyone using a food bank

by this point I’d say I was feeling Cromwellian but we can’t even do republicanism in this country without genociding the Irish

when they get in the abbey the voice of command for the burial party gets all quiet and subdued and it’s cowardly. get full CSgt with it. DEAD QUEEN AND ESCORT, BY THE RIGHT

very taken with the one marine there who has to carry around a fucking pith helmet under his arm for this next part

slow march ironically quite undignified. becomes more of a wobble

fucked it! clear your throat first idiot!!!

and that bishop just dropped something. no point now, it’s ruined. just crowbar the box open and roll her down the steps

bro it gets so WEIRD any time you remember she is, you know, not in there. just fully a dead ass corpse decomposing in a box

as is our solemn tradition, we will now be led in song by these year fives wearing the outfits designed by an eccentric fifteenth century paedophile

thing about Jesus is that he was generally super into worldly authorities, kings etc

a second insane child outfit appears. these ones are wearing little livery uniforms

I guess it’s a third insane child outfit if you count making the princelings and such wear suits

lot of key changes going on here. like a timpson’s

sorry one of these children has a medal. why are we giving those out

liz truss on the television. text in chyron: "John 14: 1-9A
The Rt Hon Elizabeth Truss MP
Prime Minister probably-stock photo of an iphone with some kind of recording software open

‘no man cometh under the father’???? deranged angloid translations

organist wearing butlin’s jacket

every time they use the camera directly above the coffin I worry about the supports for it collapsing Hitman-style and it just dropping straight down


if you try and develop a non-soporific preaching voice in the Church of England they actually shoot you

if there’s one thing you can say about the queen it’s that she never tried to cling to power or privileges

no no no no fuck you don’t try to relate to me you cunt. she’s not my gran

she liked an *alarming* hymn didn’t she

I mean choral music and English are a bad marriage in the first place but then you throw in these like show tune bits like this?

Just for the record calling god ‘the father’ sets off my big Haram Detector and you know I have that set to a really low sensitivity

sorry for the gap in commentary, I was taking a shit during the bit I thought was least likely to contain anyone making a wild lunge at or for anything. she’s still dead it seems

keep hearing ‘incompetence’ for ‘in confidence’

just residually aesthetically catholic enough to know they all got the Lord’s Prayer wrong there

ah now for a big stodgy jam pudding of a song dropped on everything

would describe it as ‘fulsome,’ which isn’t a compliment

special assembly on founder’s day headass

and now, in confidence and hope, let us sing Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”
Quote Tweet: @Meserach Wish the Queen had pushed through some pop song she liked from the 1970s or something just to keep people on their toes

drags a bit doesn’t it

Quote Tweet: LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA: [descending on wire from above stage] rip rap her majesty brap QUEEN ELIZABETH II: [lying completely dead on ground]

Quote Tweet: big flashing THIS IS WHAT ANGLICANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE disclaimer

yeah so their god is a guy, his dad and some oil. this is monotheism

alarming hymns again. she loved a worrying change in tempo

I was promised a big dramatic moment that finally heralded the end of empire and Britain as a world power and the long twentieth century and all I’ve gotten so far is a long fart in a bathtub

one guy with a kazoo. please. please

party streamer thing. harmonica. accordion somehow. anything

this really is the 9/11 of HARROWING looking older British white women

[fifteen minute long trumpet fanfare] QUEEN ELIZABETH II: [lying completely dead]

Star Wars?!

stupid crawling dirge of an anthem time

at least give her one more of the queen version to go out on, I feel like, if you’re going to do all this shit for her

Area English Woman Becomes “A Bit Scottish” In Lieu of Developing Personality It’s her, me and JK Rowling

Thank you to the BBC for fading down the piper early

Some classic spooky organ shit. Every organ has a big switch by the stops that says ‘get spooky with it y/n’ and organists live for when they can turn it on

The thing about our national anthem, right, is that not only does it suck but for the next few years it’s going to be “God Save the Qu-King” as well

If you’re good at catching yourself you might be able to make it into “God Save the Quing”

Alright lads, now we have to retrieve this insanely heavy and unwieldy box from an alarmingly tall plinth

Coffin flop coffin flop coffin flop coffin flop

Return wobble down the aisle. Andrew still looks like he has shit himself and also is shitting himself

Organist getting weird with it again

Pretty impressive how they’ve fixed that orb on the coffin. Great advert for no more nails or whatever

Have remained resolutely emotionally unaffected throughout. Not even a glimmer

Gigantic dick and ass on this guy zoomed-in screenshot of a red-coated guard with a beefeater hat, apparently carrying more hats and it looks like he has a huge ass

Voice of command a little bit West Country there, which is always entertaining

In order to understand the impact this is going to have on most British people you have to know that the Queen occupied a similar cultural niche as Paul Walker did in America. This is our Fast and Furious 7

Huw disrespecting the RCMP by forgetting the R bit there

Most British soldier in this whole operation is the guy working a barricade wearing a para beret and a hi-vis

We’ve done this kind of military ceremonial for much worse things morally but there’s still something cringing about the monarchy of it all

Man we exported our stupid hats to so much of the world

That one mountie standard bearer is kind of nice with it though

The Churchill statue is so shit aesthetically apart from anything else

Look she seemed nice enough for a woman whose full time job was seeming nice, but I’m not sure she’s worth getting horse shit on a pair of bulled boots

Music getting a little bit Star Wars again

Insane that you could literally have died in combat for this woman and then have your memorial salute *hers*

A rare reverse arms sighting for the drill fans out there

This country could be a great republic if we weren’t so terrified of the idea of demanding the slightest dignity for ourselves. Instead you get what you’re given and it saves you having to think about how to treat anyone else

Boring but also somehow deeply bleak and insulting. Nobility, the only parasite known to science to have developed the defence mechanism of deference

Cheering myself up by imagining that para from earlier calling everyone who marches past him a fucking hat

Just been confronted with the prospect of a military saxophonist

by Allah look at this Peter Crouch looking motherfucker royal navy sailors carrying the coffin in the background, and in front of them is a tall man with glasses in a suit and a tall face and an arrow is pointing at him

I thought the 10’ tall sailors were bad enough without Lurch coming along

badass cloak detected, I’m guessing NZ? low-resolution photo of dark-green uniformed men with what appears to be a black cape with a white fringe and green campaign hats with a red band around them

oh my god they’re STILL going

can we not speed it up a bit, do a quick march

it’s kind of embarrassing but I think someone has left the band of the grenadier guards on repeat

hot woman in uniform count right now is at 4, which is stupidly low for an event of this scale

Met Police Special Escort Group looking 3000% more ominous with a respectful lack of hi-vis motorcycle-riding cops with black uniforms, white helmets, white motorcycles, in front of black cars; almost no color in the photo, mostly shades of blue

all seems to have gone off without a hitch, which is great from a security perspective but makes for a very boring watch

profoundly weird to woo the coffin

Embedded Video: seven seconds from the House of Commons, murmuring and clapping, while speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle shouts "order! order!"

cutting back to the studio feels like nothing so much as the end of a football match. got a former queen on to talk about possession etc

presenter at Windsor just said ‘the weather gods have smiled on us today’ so even the pagans have representation

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